Oddly enough...Rob called me to meet him for lunch today. It was good...we had roti. Then about mid-afternoon, he called me on his way home from work and out of the blue said he had been thinking about my cable/satellite situation (that I have none) and he said why don't we get it soon, since he's moving in in 3 months anyway, and he'll split the bill with me from the start. Then he went on to say he'll split all the expenses with me once he moves in, even my car payment. So, while it's not a major detailed chat about finances -- it's more than we've talked about before. Then he said he can't wait....  :) 

Major snow storm coming in here. Lots of people have left work early. I think I will too.

I don't know if it's okay to link this here, but I love this thing...so I have to share it.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

It's been nearly 3 weeks since the end of the relationship. He has taken his belongings. I have made a major life decision...I bought a house! I'm so excited and happy about it. The kids are doing well and looking forward to the change. I'm staying in the same basic area. Moving day is Sept. 15. The only down side is packing.

I had a birthday recently. I did something kinda wild that I have been thinking about for some time. I got my navel and my nose pierced! I'm really pleased with both.

So, while I'm sad about the outcome of the relationship, I am also moving forward and doing well. Ultimately, I think it's for the best. The anxiety diminished so quickly once the relationship ended...that tells me something.

Before last Thursday, I thought things between us were still progressing. The latest was that he still felt we needed to be more consistent with our communication when under pressure (i.e., on emotional issues), but that his plans were still to return, hopefully soon. I know he seemed frozen by fear; fear that if he came back too soon and we might have a disagreement. Recently he chatted about saving for a house and other things about our future together. We talked about finding our next step in this process and how to move toward where we needed to be for him to feel comfortable about coming back. He always maintained he wanted to come back here and live with us...he would often say 'why else do you think I'm going through all this?'

He came over Wednesday night and although he seemed tired, he said he was hopeful. He came over Thurs eve as planned, but he did not bring in his overnight bag. I knew right away something was wrong. He sat down and took my hand and said "I can't do this anymore". Simple as that. His reason: "we don't work together". He declined to consider attending our scheduled counselling July 27 and talk about this. I feel that he has done this, at least in part, to end the pain of the last 5 months, because the stress was beginning to kill us both. I still believe that if someone loves you and really wants to be with you, then there is always a way. So perhaps he never really intended to come back. Either that or something changed...and I can't begin to guess what it was. If I probe, he says he does not want to talk about it. He has said that I did everything he asked, and I met every obstacle, and that the failing was his. I don't know if he means this, or it is merely a kindness. I know trusting him again was going to be a challenge, and yet I was willing to stick by him and I believed in us and that what we had between us was worth working on and saving. In the end, I can't help feeling that I don't know the full or real reasons why he made this decision...I likely never will.

When he came to the house on Saturday to get his belongings, he was a shell of what I have known him to be. He looked beaten into the ground. He said I could not hate him more than he hates himself. I asked if we would ever talk again, and he said he could not imagine why I would want to after he's done what he did to me, twice.

I suppose one day I will realise I am better off, but right now I am grieving for the relationship we had before he left in March. I feel cheated that he never told me things; that he lied to me about so many things. I really do love him, and I always thought we would get our life back and the relationship would be even stronger. Maybe he did intend for it to work, but as it dragged on we began to lose the joy and the situation became a huge stress on us both. Rightly or wrongly, I blame him for that, he was the one dragging it out and in the end I think the stress of it all kind of became a bigger problem than the original problem of communication.

I'm mad at times, but mostly I'm just so sad. I just don't know how this happened. How could I have been so wrong about this? I don't know how I can trust someone again, and bring someone into my children's lives. Right from the start of our relationship he assured me the kids would never be an issue for him because I was concerned with that. Perhaps the family life was too much for him, yet I always took his advice and opinions on the kids as valid and tried very hard to include him in parenting and I don't know if he ever appreciated that. I feel betrayed in a sense. Lately he was increasingly irritated by little things, and he knew it too and it distressed him. I believe he suffers from depression.

I try not to think of him and how he is doing now. I have to look after myself and my children. I have to try to be strong for them. Each day I will be stronger than the one before it.

Over Wednesday and Thursday evenings it became apparent that we just aren't going to get it together. The stress of the situation was bearing down on both of us, and the kids. I still had hope until the end, but he lost his somewhere along the way. Oddly, I feel relief. I'm anxious over the logistics of him getting his remaining belongings out, but not so anxious about my future. I know I'll be okay. I hope I'm not just giddy over the lack of sleep this last week or so...I hope this lighter feeling is real.

Please send me your good vibes.

To everyone else, this situation with the boyfriend is crazy...they all think that he is stringing me along and that I should end the relationship. When I question if he will ever come back, he gets upset and says things like "why do you think I'm going through this? why would I be sleeping on my parents couch? of course I want to come back" ...I have figured out that I have to be able to believe him. I have to take what he says at face value, otherwise I will drive myself mad with the "what ifs" and that just feeds my anxiety. The one comment of others that is hard to ignore is "if he wanted to be (living) with you, he would be by now". Sigh. What to do...?

Well, it seems it was actually a good thing that we cancelled the counseling. It turns out that a freight train derailment caused some commuter train upheaval Friday evening and he would have missed the counseling appointment anyway (no one was hurt). I would have had to go alone, or we would have wasted a session. That would probably have been an anxious evening for me.

We went bowling and I was resolved to have fun. It turned out okay. I think he really enjoyed himself. We did a little talking on Sat, but the verdict remains the same. He does not feel we are good enough at communication when the pressure is on. I mentioned the tension we had last weekend, well that gave him new ammo for why he feels we're not ready. From my point of view, the longer this insanely stressful situation continues, the more screw ups with our communication skills (and they always come about when we talk about the current situation -- naturally there's a lot of pain there, for both of us). His point is that when we're under pressure it's even more important that we're good at communicating...and I do agree, however I feel that we can pick up from there, learn from any mistakes, and move forward and not give our screw ups too much weight. Right now we're trying to come up with solutions, next steps, a measure for progress, a way to demonstrate our skills...and I'm drawing a blank. Short of contriving high pressure conversations, I just don't know how to demonstrate to him that we can deal with any crap that comes our way.

Basically the core of his feeling that we're not ready is his fear that he comes back, we have a fight on the bigger issues, say hurtful things, and it all goes to hell. I think if we have a commitment to avoid that, to learn from mistakes and to keep striving to be supportive, then why does he fear it will all go to hell?

I'm hopeful, and yet I'm still dealing with my own anxiety over all this.

The wedding was okay, got through it anyway. We had a little bit of tension on Sunday though. I was emotional and he was pretty easily irritated. I'm too exhausted to write about it...suffice to say, it's been a stressful week. I was looking forward to counseling tomorrow evening, hoping to get some guidance on how to get to our next step. Then today he asked if I wouldn't mind putting it off until next week. He said he wants to have a fun evening together (we had been asked to go bowling with his old co-workers and had planned to do that after counseling, although it might have been hard to put on the "fun" face after a potentially heavy counseling session)...anyway, he said he wanted to start the weekend with some fun together, and then make some time to talk on our own this weekend, before we see the counselor again. The shit part is that she can't see us until July 27. Two weeks. Sigh.

I had a wave of anxiety and disappointment when I first heard he wanted to postpone counseling. I'm trying to deal with it. I have told him how it made me feel. I see his point about talking on our own first. We haven't taken stock for a while. I'm trying to stay hopeful. God grant me the strength I need.

The last two days have been pretty anxious for me. I had my hopes up for this past w/end, even though I tried not to. I try to tell myself not to count on anything until it happens. I think the anxiety stems from that - getting my hopes up and working toward the next step in this process we're going through, achieving the goal, only to find that he thinks we're still not quite ready. After time it generates in me a feeling of hopelessness and a lack of faith. The current step we're working on is taking off the filters and trying to be consistant in saying directly what we feel, think, want.

I haven't slept well since Monday night. I'm doing okay at the moment though. I'm trying to shift my focus a little. I'm hopeful. The next appointment with the counselor is July 14. After we saw her June 15, he said it was his hope that he would be back living with us before we see her again. I don't want to set myself up for more anxiety if it doesn't happen...so I'm counting on him not being back by then.

We have to go to my cousin's wedding this w/end. I just hope no one asks that awkward question "when are you two getting married?". My family doesn't know about this situation.

If you pray, please pray for us.

I thought he would move back this past w/end, but he didn't. We talked a lot. It was good, but exhausting. Basically he says he is hanging back for one reason now: he feels we need to be more consistent with direct communication. He gave a recent example of something I asked him in which I hedged and hinted before saying exactly what I meant. He also gave a recent example of something that bothered him (that I did) that he didn't tell me about until it came up again a few days later. He thinks these things indicate we are still putting a filter on some of what we say. I think it's something that becomes more and more comfortable for us as time goes by, and I think we're only going to get better at it. However, if he's not comfortable enough with it yet, what can I do? If I want to be with him, I have no choice but to wait. Anxiety is soaring today. I even felt it quite a bit on the w/end while he was there. That's kinda worrying me.

A couple of people have given me the advice now that I should just end this. I don't even think I can write anything more on that. It's way too upsetting.